After the Affair is Over – Can You Forgive?
To forgive, or to be forgiven, neither one is easy. More often than not an affair is the end of a relationship, but it does not have to be. Of course there are times when it should end, but there are times when the relationship should be resurrected and allowed to continue.
Trust is a delicate matter. There is really no way to prove that you are trustworthy other than to live that way. Over time people understand that they can trust you. What takes years to establish can be destroyed in a matter of minutes, or so it seems.
The fact that you had an affair in the first place indicates that there was something lacking in your relationship in the first place. So not only will you have to reestablish that you are indeed trustworthy, but you will have to repair whatever was broken with your relationship in the first place. Otherwise you will just find yourself in the same predicament once again
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So before you even try to redeem yourself take a minute to figure out what was missing from your world before you took your misstep. Obviously you were unhappy for some reason. Was sex boring? Was she busy? Was she unkempt? Were you looking for a way out of your relationship? Be clear before you try to repair your relationship, because if you strayed as a way of ending your relationship then you will just be traveling in a crazy circle.
The Two Questions You Want to Ask Yourself
So the two questions that you need to answer for yourself are, what was broken, and what do I need to do to fix it? Then you will know how much of the problem you have control over and how much belongs to your girlfriend.
As you begin to work on the underlying problem, it will give you time to rebuild your trustworthiness. Repairing your relationship may involve counseling. It will certainly involve conversation, and it will probably involve compromise on everybody’s part. You can start by keeping your word every time no matter how small the promise that you make is. If you promise to walk the dog every morning, then you better be outside with a dog on the leash before your girlfriend has a chance to remind you. You want to be consistent and proactive. This type of behavior will go a long way towards reestablishing the trust that you lost.
Understandably your girlfriend will need to hear that you are sincere. She will see that you are doing all of the right things, but you need to tell her that you intend to continue to do the right things as well. When she sees you behaving well and hears your intentions to continue behaving well you give her the opportunity to forgive you. Be patient. You are asking for a big thing here, so give her time to get there.
This does not mean that you walk around apologizing all of the time, but when you can tell that she is feeling a little insecure, and maybe even rightfully so, it is your job to allay her fears and let her know that everything will be fine.
Working to save this relationship may be the hardest thing that you have ever done in your life. But if you can pull it off, it will be one of the most rewarding things in your life as well.
